My wife and I have watched the show This Is Us since the first episode. The primary goal of the show is to make everyone cry by the end of each episode. They usually succeed in this goal. Not for me, but other people. Friends I know.
My favorite character is Randall. He’s full of integrity and dad jokes. He’s smart and driven. But like all characters (and us) he has a fatal flaw—his need for control. He struggles with anxiety, stemming from this need. In a recent episode (no spoilers), he flips out during a therapy session. His therapist leaves her coffee pot on and it keeps making noises. She didn’t refill the cups at her water cooler and has an old outdated piece of art on the wall. He’s shocked at her lack of perfectionism and inattention to details.
This Is Us. We Are Randall
I know something about you. You want to enjoy life. Yes, you are a hard worker. You have major goals and long to make a difference. You see the injustice in the world. You understand the heaviness of life—the pain, hurt, or tragedy. Life is serious and hard. But still, you want to enjoy it. You understand that life is short and you want to savor it.
But something is keeping you from enjoying life. The need for control.
You can’t relax or enjoy life because of uncertainty and doubt. There is always something around the corner, unexpected and ready to pounce. This causes anxiety. What will happen next? What could go wrong?
You think the more you control, the less uncertainty there will be. The more control you have, the less anxiety you will feel.
The Harsh Reality Of Our World
Here’s the harsh reality. We cannot control our world.
It starts from the beginning. Did you have any say of when, if, or how you came into this world? I was born in 1983 and had no control over it. Then, I was given a name without my opinion. Adam is fine, but when I was a kid I wanted Rocky or Blaze—something that would pop in a 90s action film.
I didn’t choose the region I was raised in. I had no control over my ethnicity or race. My height. My eye color. My language.
Over and over, I realize have even less control than I thought:
- Cancer in family members
- Death of loved ones
- Terrorist attacks
- Violent storms
- Economic ups and downs
- Planes being delayed or canceled
- Rain on vacation
This is the reality. We can’t control the world. But, we have control over something. We get confused on what part that is.
Response vs Stimulus
An important part of becoming an adult is learning that we have a choice. We have some control. This is the important lesson Viktor Frankl taught us. We have the power to choose our response in the face of any stimulus. The stimulus is our circumstance. The weather. Cancer. Canceled flights. Other drivers. (they’re the worst!) The decisions or moods of others.
We have little to no control over the stimulus. But…we have full control over our response.
Healthy adults realize that attitudes, decisions, and emotions are all within our control. We do have control. Over our response.
The problem is that our ego wants to expand our area of control. We start to think we can control the stimuli—the things that happen to us. We want to control our entire world.
Here is the tension. We blame our circumstances or the world or our bad luck or our moods. We go straight to the stimulus and ignore the thing we have control over.
Where Does The Need For Control Come From
To understand our need to control, we have to look deeper. The need for external control comes from internal turmoil. Often this desire for control stems from one of these internal realities:
- Fear. Fear of something bad happening to us, our loved ones, or the world. Fear of the future. Fear of the unknown.
- Past Pain. Control can be a defense mechanism. I don’t want to experience something this bad again, so I’m going to do everything possible to make sure it doesn’t.
- Rejection. The pain of rejection can be so powerful that we control our environment to take away the risk.
- Loss. Is there anything scarier than losing someone we love? Probably not. But this could also be a loss of a job, loss of status, loss of a house or life situation.
- Chaos. Related to fear but the desire to have everything work orderly and calm. Nothing unexpected or surprising.
These are legitimate emotions and concerns. They are big. I experience all these pain points. They are reasonable desires. If you could keep your loved one’s safe and make sure you never lost them, who wouldn’t want that? If you could keep bad things from ever happening, why not do that?
We have to stare the truth in the face, though. It’s hard. It’s painful. But it’s necessary.
We can’t control these things. Don’t look away. Stare at this truth. Bare down on it. Meditate on it. Chew on it.
You are not God. You are not all-powerful. You can’t see the future. You don’t know what’s best.
You can eat vegetables and exercise 7 times a week (which is great!) but this doesn’t give you control over when or how you die. You can raise your kids with wisdom, love, and guidance (I’m for it!) but they will be adults at some point and you can’t control their choices. You can save and invest money (two thumbs up!) but you can’t control what happens to the stock market.
You could live in a bomb-shelter and separate yourself from the risk of a natural disaster. You could distance yourself from the crazy people around you. In this bomb-shelter, you could control pretty much everything about your life. You could spend your sheltered-days watching reruns of The Office and eating canned tuna. This would be the ultimate control.
But while you were doing this, you would miss it. You would miss all the beautiful and sacred moments that happen in this messy, chaotic world. This is not an example of enjoying or savoring life.
It’s avoidance.
This is what control can do to us. We miss out on the joy and beauty of life.
Relaxed
Question: what do you think of when you think of Jesus? Regardless of your religion or faith, when you think of him, what comes to mind?
Dallas Willard, one of my favorite authors and theologians, used one word to describe Jesus. Dallas was a philosophy professor at USC. He knew a lot of fancy philosophical phrases and terms. But the one word he used is…
How beautiful and compelling is that? Jesus is most associated with a religion that is hyper-controlling. A religion that is stuffy. Rules-based.
But Jesus himself? Relaxed. He was so confident in the goodness of God that he could let go in each moment. He knew that he was perfectly safe in the kingdom of God. Trusting. Surrendering. Fully present.
The Beauty of Letting Go
I loved playing sports in high school. The problem is that I was cursed with “slow man’s gene.” That’s the scientific term. To get faster, I would tie a huge tractor-tire to my waist and run around the track. The struggle. The weight. The burden.
Then I would untie it and let it go. After that, I felt like Usain Bolt. I felt free and light.
This is what letting go can do for us. We can learn…
- To relax in the face of uncertainty and fear.
- How to be present with our loved ones, knowing that we can’t control them but we can love them deeply.
- To stop blaming our circumstances and take control of our response.
- To laugh and dance in defiance of negative circumstances.
- To find comfort because we are not God. That this life as a gift and we have the choice on how to respond with this gift.
Each moment is a chance to let go. To release our need for control and be present in the moment.
May you see the beauty of surrender. May you let go of your need to control. And may you live a relaxed life.
