A week ago, I was in Disneyland. Although it feels more like a year ago, before quarantines and toilet paper treasure-hunting. My wife and I were holding umbrellas, with our three kids huddled underneath. It rained the entire day. It was cold. It was miserable. Internally, I was pouting.
Later that night I reflected on the day and was frustrated with myself. I had allowed the moment and the circumstances to get the best of me. I gave in to the frustrations. All I could think of was the money we wasted (Mickey Mouse is a crook!) Or the rides my kids missed (they are so deprived!) Or sulking that our vacation was now over (not realizing that Covid-19 was about to shake the world!)
So, this piece of writing is not for you. I hope it helps you. But it’s for me. I need the reminder that life is not supposed to be easy. It’s guaranteed to be hard. Now, more than ever, I need to change my perspective. I need to allow hard circumstances to help me become better.
The Person You Become.
One of my favorite quotes about life is from Dallas Willard. He says,
“The most important thing about you is not the things you achieve; it is the person you become.”
You are always becoming something. More selfish or generous. More peaceful or more anxious. Each moment shapes us.
Life is about growth. Transformation. Change. Life is about the process, not the result. Each moment changes us. Every circumstance shapes our character. There is meaning and purpose within each circumstance if we search for it.
So, here are 5 ways to change our perspective. To see that in each moment you can become better.
1. You Are a Character On Journey. A Journey Is Full of Obstacles.
The best stories are not about the results. We may think the story is about destroying the ring or the Death Star. That she gets the guy, or he defeats the evil wizard. That’s not the main reason we love them. A good story is about character growth and transformation.
Throughout the story, we journey with the character as they face obstacles. From these obstacles, we see this character grow and transform. By the end of the story, they are more courageous or selfless or confident or loving.
The journey has transformed them. The obstacles have shaped them into something better. We also observe characters who allow the obstacles to shape them in another way. These characters collapse under the pressure, often transforming into the antagonists.
You are a character on a journey. This journey is not about getting a lot of money or the perfect job. It’s not about getting the girl or guy and having a house with a picket fence. Or a bunker stocked with toilet paper and cans of beans.
Those are results. The journey is about the process of transformation. It’s about growth.
In your journey, there will be obstacles. In this world you WILL have troubles. Will you allow these obstacles to form courage, selflessness, patience, and wisdom?
Or will you become more self-centered, impatient, and stubborn?
2. We Are Forged In The Pain.
When I was a kid, our family had a boat. Countless days in the summer, we would ski, wakeboard, or fish. I’m so grateful for these times of fun and relaxation and pale white-boy sunburns.
If I’m honest, I don’t have many specific memories of these good times. But I have 2 vivid memories of hard times in the boat:
One time, we ran out of gas in the middle of the lake as a storm came in. My sister and I got two ski ropes, jumped in with our life jackets, and tried to pull the boat to shore. An inch at a time. We thought we were helping but thankfully someone on a jet ski found us, or we would still be on that lake. (We weren’t helping.) My parents knew it gave us something to do instead of sitting in fear, waiting for rescue.
The 2nd time, my dad and I were fishing when a vicious storm rolled in. (This was Oklahoma, where storms are like tea parties in England, they come twice a day.) We pulled the boat to shore as lightning started striking all around. It was so close that we laid flat on the ground, watching it strike beside us. We had our shirts off because it had been sunny and hot. As we laid there, partly because of fear and partly because of the absurdity, we started giggling. The giggles turned into raucous laughter while the thunder and lightning roared. Laughing in the face of a storm. I love this memory.
My point? We want things to go perfectly. That’s normal. When things go according to plan, that’s great. But the moments that shape us are the difficult ones. These are the marking moments.
When have you grown the most? What has shaped your character the most? When have you learned your deepest life lessons?
I’m guessing it was in the pain. In the unexpected. In the un-asked for moments. These times forge our character and resolve.
We didn’t ask for this virus. We didn’t ask for this new reality. But it is here. May we look back in 20 years and be able to say that this pain formed us, strengthened us and made us wiser.
3. Learning To Think Outside of the Box
Have you ever noticed in epic stories, when someone has their back against the wall they come up with an innovative solution? At the last moment, the hero uses a fire extinguisher as a weapon. The parents can’t afford a vacation, so they create cheesy activities at home that end up becoming treasured traditions. The startup company is running out of money, so they create a new business model that disrupts the landscape.
We do our most innovative thinking when our backs are against the wall. It forces us to think outside of the box. If you would have told me a month ago that I would know how to make homemade sanitizer, I would have laughed. Now I’m like the Walter White of hand sanitizer, I know all of the ingredients and could create my own underground sanitizing business. We are thinking differently now.
In my church-world subculture, we are being forced to think outside of the box. Small groups are meeting online. We are holding worship services and devotions on social platforms. It’s fun and exciting.
In this weird season, and any hard circumstance, how can you innovate? Can you try new rhythms? Can you approach your relationships differently? Try a new business approach? Expand your knowledge or expertise?
4. Name and Reframe.
This practice is so helpful. In your hard and painful circumstance, name what is being formed in you. This puts flesh and blood on the situation. It’s not abstract or nebulous anymore, you are being formed in specific and concrete ways. It reframes the circumstance.
A good writer does this with a character. The character is facing ridicule, why? To learn compassion. The character has to enter the cave, why? To grow courage.
So, write down 1-3 character traits that are being formed in you during this circumstance. For example: the night we experienced the Disneyland-downpour, I wrote down the word “grateful.” In this circumstance, like many others, I responded to what went wrong instead of looking at what was right. We wasted our money. We didn’t meet the expectations of our kids. Our clothes were drenched.
This moment was an opportunity to learn gratefulness. How many of my friends aren’t able to go on a vacation at all? How many people would love to have healthy kids? Or others who would love to have kids at all? How many long for a partner like mine, who is fun, supportive, and relaxed? How about the beauty of the rain in a drought-ridden state? The ability to afford a hotel?
When I zoom out and look at my circumstance, I see I have a lot of growing to do. Naming the character trait can help.
So, what needs to be formed in you during this time? Patience? Simplicity? Courage? Perseverance? If you need help thinking through character traits, here is an exhaustive list.
5. The Infinite Game.
In his book, The Infinite Game, Simon Sinek discusses two types of games. The first is a “Finite Game.” These are the games we’re most familiar with. Basketball, quidditch, monopoly (although monopoly is sort of infinite in its own right.) These games have a winner and a loser. Another way to look at a finite game is that it is about the results.
The other game is an “Infinite Game.” These games are ongoing and continuous. It is not about winning or losing, but progressing and growing. Another way to think about an infinite game is it is about the progress.
Look deeper at your circumstance. Are you focused on the results—judging the circumstance as good, bad, successful, or a failure? Try to look beyond the results and see the potential for progress and growth.
We are on an eternal, infinite journey. And the most important thing you take into eternity is the person you become.
At this moment. In this circumstance.
You can grow stronger. More patient. Resolute. Courageous.
If you are willing…
You can become better.
2 Comments
Thanks Adam. Another good read I too, needed.
I needed this Adam😘